movies on north 35

Caution: if you read the following you wont be able to sit through the movie.

from IMDB

Watched as a comedy, 300 is not bad, but they should have put in more funny scenes. I won't spoil anything, but we were all cracking up when the mutant ninjas appeared. It's as if the film makers were so scared that all the half-naked men might give the audience the wrong idea about the Spartans, that they turned the Hetero up to 11. At first I was offended, but the homo/xenophobia is so over-the-top, it becomes absurdly funny.

Things I learned from the movie:

1) Spartans are kind of like football players except that they all shave their chests and don't wear shirts.

2) If anyone is effeminate, nonwhite, a lesbian, or physically unattractive, they are an enemy of freedom or a slave.

3) Wearing underwear is only for evil people like hunchbacks and God-kings. The army of freedom goes commando.

4) Throwing your only weapon is a good battle strategy, as is slowing time and teleporting from one location to another. (I knew this from other funny action movies though)

5) The aesthetic style of perfume and car commercials from the early 90's is the new cutting edge of cinematography.

6) Rhinos and elephants are easy to ship, easy to train, and easy to kill.

7) Spartan cloaks never get dirty unless you are returning from a son-avenging murderous rampage. The cloaks can also summon wind if the wearer utters a corny line.

8) "Well-written action movie" (or video game or comic book) still means laugh-out-loud cheesiness during every dramatic scene.

So, while it doesn't quite top The Mummy Returns for unintentionally hilarious nonsensical action, it's a close second. I predict that this movie will score well with male gamers, adolescent boys, and ultra conservative patriarchs. I know it was based on a comic, but really, it's like an allegory for the War on Terror written by a confused twelve year old. If you're looking for quality even on par with the mediocre Gladiator, keep looking. 5/10

P.S. Make sure you watch the credit roll for the multiple evil transsexual Asian roles (I thought transsexual Asian #3 did an excellent job).